Prayer

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. Sometimes it seems that God isn't hearing my prayers and that my prayers are all in vain. Sometimes it seems that I'm just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I expect certain outcomes and when they don't happen then what? Or when it seems nothing happens, then what? I get discouraged and I question God. Then what?

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. I believe the very act of prayer is initiated by God, not by me. I wouldn't pray on my own, but He loves me and wants to talk with me and so He puts this desire in my heart. And I respond and we talk. Or I talk, more often than not. There are so many people to pray about, so many issues, so many worries, so many joys. And it is nice to have someone who wants to hear what I have to say. I don't undertand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

My heart's desire is that my prayers make a difference in someone else's life. My heart's desire is that the time I give to prayer makes a difference to someone else. And when I can't see that it does, well. Then what? Do I keep praying? Do I give up? I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

Here's what else I do know: the act of prayer takes me out of myself and into God's lap. I feel loved and I feel liked after I pray. The act of prayer gives me eyes to see the cup half full rather than half empty. No, prayer gives me eyes to see the cup overflowing. The act of prayer brings grace, mercy, hope and joy into my existence. So, I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

No matter what, I'll keep praying. If you need prayer, I'll pray for you. I'll pray with you. Even when I can't see results, I'll keep praying. Not because I'm righteous or saintly, but because God keeps on calling me to pray. For some reason, He likes it when I talk with Him. And that I don't understand, but that I know. And I suppose when it comes to prayer, thats all I really need to know.

Thunderstorms and Sunshine

I am sitting here enjoying the roll of thunder across the early morning Pennsylvania skies. The lightning flashes randomly and the rain falls steadily. I love the sounds and smells and sights of a thunderstorm. For the most part, thunderstorms are comforting to me, unless they are accompanied by the high winds and threats of tornadoes. I dream about tornadoes all the time and I hope I never actually experience the real thing. The hurricane season is in full throttle and as I watch the storms on the radar approach the U.S., I wonder why God allows such things to exist? Why are there such scary, devastating realities in such a beautiful, beautiful creation? I suppose it is because it is a fallen creation, and so we must coincide with the evils of life. Just like we coincide with the sin in our lives. I have hurricanes inside of me. I have tornadoes. I used to like the song about I am shadow, I am light - these are the lyrics, by Paula Carpenter:

Inside this heart there is a crowd
One is humble, another proud
One who stands on solid ground
And one whose faith is falling down
One is made of sugar and spice
Anothers virtue bows device
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

Chorus
I am shadow, I am light
I am wrong and I am right
Sometimes shining oh so bright
Sometimes fading into night
Though You see this war in me
You know all that I can be
I am precious in Your sight
You walk with me through shadow and light

I am wise, I am a fool
A servant with a yen to rule
Good intentions and selfish schemes
A saint who soars on broken wings
Noble visions and narrow eyes
Contradictions side by side
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

There is a war that rages inside of me
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Only You can save me from myself

So, even as I finish this blog entry, the thunderstorm is passing. The rumbles are not as near, the rain is more gentle, and the lightning less intense. Soon the blue sky will return and the sunshine will prevail. I want to appreciate the thunderstorms as I appreciate the days when all is calm and bright. This is the reality of life and I really want to be able to embrace all of it - the shadow and the light, the wrong and the right - the thunderstorms and the sunshine.