Thank You for...

...acorns crunching beneath my feet;
...leaves cascading around my head;
...a squirrel sitting silently on a branch;
...clear blue skies interrupted by a surprise flock of birds;
...bobbing white tails of leaping deer;
...fog resting on the mountains at sunrise;
...pink cirrus clouds at sunset;
...crimson red, pumpkin orange, acorn yellow and plum purple mums;
...sunshine on my skin;
...American flags fluttering over Veteran graves;
...a chirping chipmunk;
...kicking my way through a pile of leaves;
...the majesty of an evergreen;
...a mountain set ablaze with the colors of autumn;
...tears of worship in my eyes.

"There's so much beauty around us, for just two eyes to see...everywhere I go, I'm looking." Rich Mullins from the song Here In America

Prayer

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. Sometimes it seems that God isn't hearing my prayers and that my prayers are all in vain. Sometimes it seems that I'm just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I expect certain outcomes and when they don't happen then what? Or when it seems nothing happens, then what? I get discouraged and I question God. Then what?

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. I believe the very act of prayer is initiated by God, not by me. I wouldn't pray on my own, but He loves me and wants to talk with me and so He puts this desire in my heart. And I respond and we talk. Or I talk, more often than not. There are so many people to pray about, so many issues, so many worries, so many joys. And it is nice to have someone who wants to hear what I have to say. I don't undertand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

My heart's desire is that my prayers make a difference in someone else's life. My heart's desire is that the time I give to prayer makes a difference to someone else. And when I can't see that it does, well. Then what? Do I keep praying? Do I give up? I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

Here's what else I do know: the act of prayer takes me out of myself and into God's lap. I feel loved and I feel liked after I pray. The act of prayer gives me eyes to see the cup half full rather than half empty. No, prayer gives me eyes to see the cup overflowing. The act of prayer brings grace, mercy, hope and joy into my existence. So, I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

No matter what, I'll keep praying. If you need prayer, I'll pray for you. I'll pray with you. Even when I can't see results, I'll keep praying. Not because I'm righteous or saintly, but because God keeps on calling me to pray. For some reason, He likes it when I talk with Him. And that I don't understand, but that I know. And I suppose when it comes to prayer, thats all I really need to know.

Thunderstorms and Sunshine

I am sitting here enjoying the roll of thunder across the early morning Pennsylvania skies. The lightning flashes randomly and the rain falls steadily. I love the sounds and smells and sights of a thunderstorm. For the most part, thunderstorms are comforting to me, unless they are accompanied by the high winds and threats of tornadoes. I dream about tornadoes all the time and I hope I never actually experience the real thing. The hurricane season is in full throttle and as I watch the storms on the radar approach the U.S., I wonder why God allows such things to exist? Why are there such scary, devastating realities in such a beautiful, beautiful creation? I suppose it is because it is a fallen creation, and so we must coincide with the evils of life. Just like we coincide with the sin in our lives. I have hurricanes inside of me. I have tornadoes. I used to like the song about I am shadow, I am light - these are the lyrics, by Paula Carpenter:

Inside this heart there is a crowd
One is humble, another proud
One who stands on solid ground
And one whose faith is falling down
One is made of sugar and spice
Anothers virtue bows device
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

Chorus
I am shadow, I am light
I am wrong and I am right
Sometimes shining oh so bright
Sometimes fading into night
Though You see this war in me
You know all that I can be
I am precious in Your sight
You walk with me through shadow and light

I am wise, I am a fool
A servant with a yen to rule
Good intentions and selfish schemes
A saint who soars on broken wings
Noble visions and narrow eyes
Contradictions side by side
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

There is a war that rages inside of me
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Only You can save me from myself

So, even as I finish this blog entry, the thunderstorm is passing. The rumbles are not as near, the rain is more gentle, and the lightning less intense. Soon the blue sky will return and the sunshine will prevail. I want to appreciate the thunderstorms as I appreciate the days when all is calm and bright. This is the reality of life and I really want to be able to embrace all of it - the shadow and the light, the wrong and the right - the thunderstorms and the sunshine.

Baptism

Yesterday was baptism at the river. It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear and blue, the water was calm and sparkling. The sun was shining and I'd say it was a perfect setting for baptism. Kenton baptized a 7 year old girl and a man in his mid to late 50's. Our foreign exchange student was asking about age and baptism and it made me realize how God works so mysteriously and meets us at different ages. We are never too young to be called by God and we are never too old. To watch Ellie get baptized was beautiful, as we have all seen her growing up since she was born. She was so excited and we were excited with her. I remember my baptism at the age of 14. I remember being nervous beforehand, and then afterwards I remember changing my wet clothes and letting a lady dry my hair with a hairdryer. (I was baptized in the church building, not outside). I don't remember who the lady was now, but I do remember her drying my hair. My journey with Jesus started that year and for real and has continued to this day. I have traveled on straight steady paths and veered to the left and right. I have entered dark forests and hiked up mountains. I have dwelt in the valleys and sat by the waters and been refreshed. But no matter where I was on my journey, I know my Shepherd was right there with me. And when I left His side, He came and found me. He keeps an eye on me and never lets me get to the point of no return. And when I sit by the water He comes and sits with me and places His hand on my head and I know that I am safe. I know that He will do the same for Ellie and Scott, and that is a beautiful, hopeful reality.

Conflict = Beauty

I've got to say its been a rough week. Too much conflict for my taste. Here I sit, nevertheless, whole and ready for another day. I have found solace and strength in times of fellowship with friends who I can confide in and trust. I have two such friends and I am very thankful. I have been heard. I have been encouraged. I have been accepted. I have been loved. And when I realize these things I see again how beautiful the body of Christ is...how my friends are His hands and His eyes and His ears. Just like Jesus, they love, accept, encourage and listen. And yet, I am still alone, as we all are. Ultimately we live alone with our deepest thoughts, our myriad of feelings, our regrets and dreams - they all reside within us and we must face them on our own. No, that isn't true. You whisper in my ear "I will never leave you or forsake you, Kelli." "I am the God who sees you, Kelli." "Remember Psalm 139?"

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I am never alone. I am known completely. I am understood. And that is very important to me. And so, I will not be afraid of anger. I will not be paralyzed by not being understood. I will not be defeated by conflict. I will stand in the knowledge that I am known and loved by Someone. And that Someone is really all that matters in the end.

Faithfulness

The SS lesson on Sunday was about faithfulness, mainly our faithfulness as believers. But I came away grateful instead for the faithfulness of God. I am not faithful, will never be, can only strive to be. But God is Faithful - always has been, always will be. It is His nature, just as Love is. I think of the hymn -Great Is Thy Faithfulness, O God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be! Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord unto me.

The older I get the more I can see how faithful God is. He shows us His faithfulness in a myriad of ways if we will just get our eyes off of ourselves and look around. See the sun, the moon, the stars? See the trees, the flowers, the animals. See the family around your table, the friends on your couch? See the clouds in the sky? Hear the thunder? Hear the barking of the dog? Feel the hug around your neck? The breeze against your cheek? See Jesus on the cross? I could go on and on and on...recounting your Faithfulness leads me to humility - forgive my unfaithfulness to You. Oh thank You for being Faithful, since I will never be. You are beautiful, O Faithful Father. Faithful Abba. Faithful Daddy.

C S Lewis

Sometimes when I read a book or listen to a song or look at a piece of art I am overwhelmed. All I can conclude is that I am experiencing beauty and the only response is tears, usually. A sigh. A longing to create something that would evoke a similar response in someone else. I spent the morning reading about C. S. Lewis and his defining of this longing that we have - a longing that must be satisfied and the only satisifaction is found in the Eternal. I have that longing and it makes me feel less odd to see it defined by someone like C.S. Lewis. I have a longing that keeps me searching and dreaming and wondering and looking. That is probably why I wanted to have a blog about beauty. There is something within me that must be expressed through words about something that is beyond me but must be born from within me. Does that statement even make sense? It does to me!

The wonder of the story of Narnia and of Aslan - of Lucy, of stepping through a wardrobe...and entering a whole new realm that is new yet familiar, steeped in hints of faith and hope and joy and redemption - that is a story that is beautiful. I dream of creating something so beautiful. I know it is within me. It will not leave me. When will it appear? And in what form? And for whom? I have written many poems, several children's stories, files full of journals - and yet...why? Perhaps C. S. Lewis can help me know why. He seemed so wise and I need someone wise to mentor me. Someone with wisdom and imagination, someone who created beautiful, beautiful stories.

http://www.cslewisinstitute.org