O Lord, You're Beautiful...

How Beautiful...

2010-01-10T03:34:00.000-08:00

So I was nonchalantly puzzling on Friday. Snow was falling outside the window and the Christmas tree lights reflected on the puzzle. The house was warm, my kids were both home, and Kenton was relaxing with a book. If I'd had a fireplace the day would have been perfect.

My puzzling tradition is to turn on worship songs while I puzzle and so I decided to listen to the worship playlist I created online last year. It had been a while and I had forgotten what was there, but as each song came on I rememberd why I chose them - Rich Mullins, Chris Tomlin, Lincoln Brewster, DC Talk, Amy Grant...familiar and beloved artists whose songs never fail to turn my heart towards Home.

I mentioned I was nonchalantly puzzling. I was nonchalantly worshiping as well, until the song "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris began. Do you know how sometimes God just sneaks up on you and suddenly you are face to face with the wonder of Him? It is totally unexpected and totally overwhelming. It always reminds me of Isaiah's worship experience which culminated in his realization that he was a "man of unclean lips". I suddenly found myself sitting over the puzzle weeping.

Why? I think it is a simple as this:

1. The body of Christ was beautiful, period. There is nothing more beautiful.
2. It remains beautiful as expressed through us who believe - His Church.
3. Though we are flawed, as believers we are still allowed to represent Him, to be His body - and what a gracious privilege it is.
4. And finally, I'm married to a pastor - his feet bring good news and the love of a King. He serves the bread and wine faithfully, year after year. It is no easy task and often I have resented it. But at that moment I realized anew just how very beautiful the service of a pastor is - and I was broken. Do you love your pastor?

Church, do you realize how beautiful this wonderful life is we are called to live? If you are like me, you really don't. But I pray that today you might catch a tiny glimpse of it through my worship experience. I pray you have one of your own.

Happy New Year!

My Time With You

2009-07-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

On my knees, head bowed down. All is peace. Not a sound.
In the silence I want to hear Your quiet Love drawing near.
Patiently I wait. For that familiar knock. Upon my heart.

Come in, my Lord. I want to, need to, start my time with You.

To be with You. To have You near.
When I'm with You, I need not fear for I am Your's and You are mine.
Together.
I know that we will find the path that's straight, the way that's True.
There's noone I can trust like You.

At Your feet, I obey. If it hurts I'm still okay
for You will never let me go and in the pain You make me grow.
Within my heart I hide Your word. In it's wisdom I have heard
all I need for this new day. O Papa, what a gift it is to pray.

To be with You. To have You near.
When I'm with You, I do not fear for I am Your's and You are mine.
Together I know that we will find the path that's straight, the way that's true.
There's noone I can trust but You.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Philippians 1:3

2009-05-09T03:49:00.000-07:00

The older I grow, the more I can appreciate who my parents are, were and will be. The passing of time opens my eyes to see them not just as mom and dad, but also as Bill and Joyce - real people who have been on a real journey! Now that my children are preparing to leave the nest, I am beginning to understand how my parents must have felt as Rick, Randy and Kelli were growing up and, one by one, taking flight.

The hymn Amazing Grace says "I once was blind but now I see" and I know that this refers to the wonderful miracle that occurs when Jesus saves us by His grace, and gives us the ability to see, through His eyes, what life is all about. But I would like to borrow the words this morning and put them into the context of a child beginning to "see" her parents in a new way and as a result, to truly be grateful for who they are, were, and will be. If one of the benefits of growing older is this insight, then I am thankful to be growing older. So, mom and dad...

I once was blind to the fact that all those days you went to work was such a repetitive, disciplined, necessary task - but now that I do it day in and day out, I appreciate your faithfulness and commitment to give us a good life and a comfortable home (and what fun to get a new toy every 2 week payday)! And I still remember that exciting day we got the new TV in the red brick house! I know we cost you a lot of money - I hope we were worth every cent.

I once was blind to the fact that all those days you spent cleaning the tub and shower and doing laundry and mowing the grass and washing the cars and cooking the meals and repairing the house and on and on and on was such a tiring, thankless, and never ending chore - but now that I do it day and day out, I appreciate your perseverance and hard working hands! I didn't see you doing all those tasks then, but now I know that you did and now I see. (I will never forget the moving of the bricks from one location to the other, now that was a chore that WE deserved to do!)

I once was blind to the fact that all those days you drove us here, there and everywhere was time consuming and invasive to your own plans. But now that I have spent years carpooling kids to the activities of their lives, I see how blessed I was to have parents who thought it necessary to fill our lives with piano lessons, sports, church, overnights with friends, shopping trips, vacations to Florida and Arkansas...and countless trips long forgotten. (But I do remember us yelling "fronts" if we wanted the front seat, and usually I ended up in the backseat. And dad, I forgive you for not letting us listen to the radio in the car on those long trips, and for making mom "hold it" til you were ready to exit.)

I once was blind to the fact that all those days you had to say "yes" or "no" to us, or give us advice knowing we didn't want it, or having to decide how to discipline us, or just keeping a watchful eye on us - protecting us from others and from ourselves...how difficult and scary that can be. I now see how challenging it was for you and I thank you for you consistency and ability to make sure with the discipline and spankings came the love. (I do remember a good slap on the face and hearing the boys get "whooped" by the belt, but now I see that it was for our good and I know it really did hurt you as much as it hurt us!)

I once was blind to the fact that you put your lives on hold until you saw us all on our way. You went without, you didn't do what you wanted when you wanted, you sacrificed money, time, fun, freedom...on a daily basis so that you could meet the needs of three baby birds ever chirping with their mouths open! I now see that this was a most unselfish existence and how often did you hear "thank you"?

I once was blind to the fact that you put up with, not just my sassy lip and misbehaving ways, but also two other persons' distinct 'issues'! Life was all about me back then, but now I can see that your lives were all about the three of us - you were constantly molding, shaping, influencing, loving, and simultaneously letting go of us for years. I see what a complicated task that is and I applaud your abilities to juggle three balls without dropping us (too often)- nobody's perfect!

I once was blind to the fact that the words "mom" and "dad" are words with so much depth and rhythm, meat and fluidity, strength and humility, unselfishness and joy. They are complicated words and as each year passes their definitions become even more lengthy, yet more clear. I see that my mom and dad (and Joyce and Bill) are full of depth and rhythm, meat and fluidity, strength and humility, unselfishness and joy - and each year your "meaning" gets longer yet more clear to me.

So, this Mother's Day, 2009 (and Father's Day early) - I just want to take this opportunity to make sure you know that I know, at least a little bit - what you went through for me. Your years of parenting are no longer invisible to me. I appreciate You both and honor you for a job well done. I now know it wasn't easy! I look forward to more years of learning what awesome people you both are! I love you and I thank you! xxx000xxx000 - Kelli Oglesby Hunt - Eat a booger, old man!

Between you and me on Good Friday

2009-04-10T03:34:00.000-07:00

You were born out of a great Light into a tiny world of darkness. Your mother wrapped you in swaddling rags and fed you. She wiped your face and cared for you. She rocked you and sang to you – she took care of you…so that you could take care of me.
You grew in wisdom and you learned. Your earthly father taught You how to build – how to use Your hands – how to live life here on earth, while your Abba Father in heaven taught you about Himself and how to use your hands to heal, to touch, to cleanse, to bless. He taught you how to love…so that you could love me.
You walked many miles, in dust and scorching sun. You sweated every day as you traveled long and weary roads. You walked and talked to your friends and to your enemies. You walked and talked…so that I would know how to walk and talk.
You wept for Jerusalem and for those who did not long to sit beneath your shelter. You cried for the unbelief – for the ignorance. You cried for my unbelief and ignorance. You wept for my rebellion. Your tears make me cry, and teach me what is worth crying about.
You surrounded yourself with people, with children – you related to every type of created – the small, the big, the short, the tall, the good, the bad, the sad, the happy, the faithful, the fearful, the unbelieving, the scoffer, the self-righteous, the apathetic, the lover, the hater, the sick, the dying, the afflicted, the forgotten. You accepted and loved each person you met. You accepted and loved me as you interacted with them.
You lived in awareness of who you were, what you were about – your focus was on serving and loving your Abba Father – showing Him to this tiny, dark world. You were the representative of the invisible God. You lived to bring His kingdom to all…you lived to bring His kingdom to me.
You prayed constantly to Your Abba Father. You sighed, you listened, you waited, you watched, you looked, you knew. You knew what He was saying to you. You prayed in the garden in anguish and despair. You experienced dread and agony. You did that for me. You prayed that prayer for me. You felt those feelings for me.
You were such a good man. You were obedient. Every act of righteousness was acted for me. Every choice You made was made for me. Every whip on your back was endured for me. Every drop of spit that hit your face was accepted for me. Every slanderous word, every wagging head, every look of contempt and hate that you received was received for me. Every thorn that pricked your scalp, every nail that punctured your skin, your bone, your muscle, your nerves –every breath that you labored under on the splintery, hard cross was breathed for me. Every blood drop, every blood gush, every ounce of pain was felt for me. Every loneliness, every abandonment, every rejection you carried was carried for me. And you didn’t deserve any of it…and I deserve it all.
How could this happen? How could this sweet , soft, smooth, tiny innocent baby go from a night of wonder and praise and silence and awe, go from the warmth of his momma’s embrace to this stark, empty cross where no one touched you – only the eyes of the world that you came to love, heal, forgive? How could you be up there on the spectacle of disgrace? You, the King of Heaven, the Creator of the Universe, the Holy One, the Reason for Existence – you hung up on that cross – naked and bleeding, tortured and despised.
How?
It is a mystery. It is a masterpiece. It is a miracle. It is beyond the highest ideal. It is beyond the most terrifying nightmare. It is heaven and it is hell. It is all goodness and it is all evil. It is Eden and it is the Germany of Hitler. It is me and it is my neighbor.
Oh innocent baby, coo me into your cradle, rock me into your presence. Oh innocent criminal, whisper to me as I hang beside you. Paint in my mind the picture of your face as a baby. And your face as you were dying. Those eyes would still be the same – those eyes that looked up at Mother Mary look over at me from the cross. Those eyes. I will look into those eyes and enter paradise…every day that I live and on the day that I die…into your very presence.
Thank You, Jesus.

(first written, 4/12/99)

Balloons and Eagles

2009-03-20T04:02:00.000-07:00

Eagles soar. I too, want more
than just to settle here in this nest.
The wind is free and blowing for me.
But I must be ready.

Balloons fly. So too, must I
be released from the grip that anchors.
The sky is free and waiting for me.
But I must be ready.

If I jump, I just might fall.
Am I ready to risk it all?
When I'm cut, I will go up.
Do I believe? Enough to leave?

My youth is renewed. There is no excuse.
My wings are mature and steady.
And so the winds blow. Here I go.
Your love has made me ready.

My string's let loose. There is no excuse.
My soul is full and steady.
And so the winds blow. Here I go.
Your love has made me ready.

If I jump, I just might fall.
Am I ready to risk it all?
When I'm cut, I will go up.
Do I believe? Enough to leave?

I'm ready. Your love has made me ready.

My Cup Is Running Over Because of You...

2009-03-15T01:23:00.001-07:00

The title to this entry is a line from a worship song by Michael Neale (I Will Dwell). It has been running through my mind over the past hours and days - it is the only way to accurately describe my worship, both private and public - recently. There are times in my life when I experience God in such a way that I am overwhelmed. I've tried to come up with words to describe it - like a volcano that has erupted? But that is too volatile. When Abba decides to stoop down and love on me in His most personal and perfect way, the only way to describe it is to say, like David...my cup is running over. It is a quiet filling up, sneaky almost. Until there comes a moment when I realize that I am running over and out and I am drowning in a flood of grace, mercy and love. My only response is to worship, to obey, and to say thank You. And to cry. But the tears are happy tears. Happy little expressions just running over. And to write.

So, I want to say thank You Abba. Thank You, Jehovah Jireh, my Provider, for bringing together events recently that have resulted in this experience of being filled to the brim. Thank you for my journal from Mary called Praying the Names of God. Thank you for Kenton's sermons on worship. Thank you for challenges at church that have brought me to my knees. Thank You for Beth. Thank You most of all for bringing back some of the dearest friends I have had in my lifetime. It has been a combination of these ingredients that has totally overwhelmed my heart and left me here, at Your feet, singing "my cup is running over, my cup is running over, my cup is running over because of You." May my life change in response to Your undeserved goodness to me. This is my act of worship.

Thank You for...

2008-10-17T03:25:00.000-07:00

...acorns crunching beneath my feet;
...leaves cascading around my head;
...a squirrel sitting silently on a branch;
...clear blue skies interrupted by a surprise flock of birds;
...bobbing white tails of leaping deer;
...fog resting on the mountains at sunrise;
...pink cirrus clouds at sunset;
...crimson red, pumpkin orange, acorn yellow and plum purple mums;
...sunshine on my skin;
...American flags fluttering over Veteran graves;
...a chirping chipmunk;
...kicking my way through a pile of leaves;
...the majesty of an evergreen;
...a mountain set ablaze with the colors of autumn;
...tears of worship in my eyes.

"There's so much beauty around us, for just two eyes to see...everywhere I go, I'm looking." Rich Mullins from the song Here In America

Prayer

2008-09-26T03:15:00.001-07:00

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. Sometimes it seems that God isn't hearing my prayers and that my prayers are all in vain. Sometimes it seems that I'm just spinning my wheels, wasting my time. I expect certain outcomes and when they don't happen then what? Or when it seems nothing happens, then what? I get discouraged and I question God. Then what?

I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray. I believe the very act of prayer is initiated by God, not by me. I wouldn't pray on my own, but He loves me and wants to talk with me and so He puts this desire in my heart. And I respond and we talk. Or I talk, more often than not. There are so many people to pray about, so many issues, so many worries, so many joys. And it is nice to have someone who wants to hear what I have to say. I don't undertand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

My heart's desire is that my prayers make a difference in someone else's life. My heart's desire is that the time I give to prayer makes a difference to someone else. And when I can't see that it does, well. Then what? Do I keep praying? Do I give up? I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

Here's what else I do know: the act of prayer takes me out of myself and into God's lap. I feel loved and I feel liked after I pray. The act of prayer gives me eyes to see the cup half full rather than half empty. No, prayer gives me eyes to see the cup overflowing. The act of prayer brings grace, mercy, hope and joy into my existence. So, I don't understand prayer, I just know I have to pray.

No matter what, I'll keep praying. If you need prayer, I'll pray for you. I'll pray with you. Even when I can't see results, I'll keep praying. Not because I'm righteous or saintly, but because God keeps on calling me to pray. For some reason, He likes it when I talk with Him. And that I don't understand, but that I know. And I suppose when it comes to prayer, thats all I really need to know.

Thunderstorms and Sunshine

2008-09-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here enjoying the roll of thunder across the early morning Pennsylvania skies. The lightning flashes randomly and the rain falls steadily. I love the sounds and smells and sights of a thunderstorm. For the most part, thunderstorms are comforting to me, unless they are accompanied by the high winds and threats of tornadoes. I dream about tornadoes all the time and I hope I never actually experience the real thing. The hurricane season is in full throttle and as I watch the storms on the radar approach the U.S., I wonder why God allows such things to exist? Why are there such scary, devastating realities in such a beautiful, beautiful creation? I suppose it is because it is a fallen creation, and so we must coincide with the evils of life. Just like we coincide with the sin in our lives. I have hurricanes inside of me. I have tornadoes. I used to like the song about I am shadow, I am light - these are the lyrics, by Paula Carpenter:

Inside this heart there is a crowd
One is humble, another proud
One who stands on solid ground
And one whose faith is falling down
One is made of sugar and spice
Anothers virtue bows device
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

Chorus
I am shadow, I am light
I am wrong and I am right
Sometimes shining oh so bright
Sometimes fading into night
Though You see this war in me
You know all that I can be
I am precious in Your sight
You walk with me through shadow and light

I am wise, I am a fool
A servant with a yen to rule
Good intentions and selfish schemes
A saint who soars on broken wings
Noble visions and narrow eyes
Contradictions side by side
Ogres and angels share my heart
Sometimes the battle tears me apart

There is a war that rages inside of me
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Only You can save me from myself

So, even as I finish this blog entry, the thunderstorm is passing. The rumbles are not as near, the rain is more gentle, and the lightning less intense. Soon the blue sky will return and the sunshine will prevail. I want to appreciate the thunderstorms as I appreciate the days when all is calm and bright. This is the reality of life and I really want to be able to embrace all of it - the shadow and the light, the wrong and the right - the thunderstorms and the sunshine.

Baptism

2008-08-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was baptism at the river. It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear and blue, the water was calm and sparkling. The sun was shining and I'd say it was a perfect setting for baptism. Kenton baptized a 7 year old girl and a man in his mid to late 50's. Our foreign exchange student was asking about age and baptism and it made me realize how God works so mysteriously and meets us at different ages. We are never too young to be called by God and we are never too old. To watch Ellie get baptized was beautiful, as we have all seen her growing up since she was born. She was so excited and we were excited with her. I remember my baptism at the age of 14. I remember being nervous beforehand, and then afterwards I remember changing my wet clothes and letting a lady dry my hair with a hairdryer. (I was baptized in the church building, not outside). I don't remember who the lady was now, but I do remember her drying my hair. My journey with Jesus started that year and for real and has continued to this day. I have traveled on straight steady paths and veered to the left and right. I have entered dark forests and hiked up mountains. I have dwelt in the valleys and sat by the waters and been refreshed. But no matter where I was on my journey, I know my Shepherd was right there with me. And when I left His side, He came and found me. He keeps an eye on me and never lets me get to the point of no return. And when I sit by the water He comes and sits with me and places His hand on my head and I know that I am safe. I know that He will do the same for Ellie and Scott, and that is a beautiful, hopeful reality.

Conflict = Beauty

2008-08-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

I've got to say its been a rough week. Too much conflict for my taste. Here I sit, nevertheless, whole and ready for another day. I have found solace and strength in times of fellowship with friends who I can confide in and trust. I have two such friends and I am very thankful. I have been heard. I have been encouraged. I have been accepted. I have been loved. And when I realize these things I see again how beautiful the body of Christ is...how my friends are His hands and His eyes and His ears. Just like Jesus, they love, accept, encourage and listen. And yet, I am still alone, as we all are. Ultimately we live alone with our deepest thoughts, our myriad of feelings, our regrets and dreams - they all reside within us and we must face them on our own. No, that isn't true. You whisper in my ear "I will never leave you or forsake you, Kelli." "I am the God who sees you, Kelli." "Remember Psalm 139?"

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I am never alone. I am known completely. I am understood. And that is very important to me. And so, I will not be afraid of anger. I will not be paralyzed by not being understood. I will not be defeated by conflict. I will stand in the knowledge that I am known and loved by Someone. And that Someone is really all that matters in the end.

Faithfulness

2008-08-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

The SS lesson on Sunday was about faithfulness, mainly our faithfulness as believers. But I came away grateful instead for the faithfulness of God. I am not faithful, will never be, can only strive to be. But God is Faithful - always has been, always will be. It is His nature, just as Love is. I think of the hymn -Great Is Thy Faithfulness, O God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not. As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be! Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness Lord unto me.

The older I get the more I can see how faithful God is. He shows us His faithfulness in a myriad of ways if we will just get our eyes off of ourselves and look around. See the sun, the moon, the stars? See the trees, the flowers, the animals. See the family around your table, the friends on your couch? See the clouds in the sky? Hear the thunder? Hear the barking of the dog? Feel the hug around your neck? The breeze against your cheek? See Jesus on the cross? I could go on and on and on...recounting your Faithfulness leads me to humility - forgive my unfaithfulness to You. Oh thank You for being Faithful, since I will never be. You are beautiful, O Faithful Father. Faithful Abba. Faithful Daddy.

C S Lewis

2008-08-02T04:51:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I read a book or listen to a song or look at a piece of art I am overwhelmed. All I can conclude is that I am experiencing beauty and the only response is tears, usually. A sigh. A longing to create something that would evoke a similar response in someone else. I spent the morning reading about C. S. Lewis and his defining of this longing that we have - a longing that must be satisfied and the only satisifaction is found in the Eternal. I have that longing and it makes me feel less odd to see it defined by someone like C.S. Lewis. I have a longing that keeps me searching and dreaming and wondering and looking. That is probably why I wanted to have a blog about beauty. There is something within me that must be expressed through words about something that is beyond me but must be born from within me. Does that statement even make sense? It does to me!

The wonder of the story of Narnia and of Aslan - of Lucy, of stepping through a wardrobe...and entering a whole new realm that is new yet familiar, steeped in hints of faith and hope and joy and redemption - that is a story that is beautiful. I dream of creating something so beautiful. I know it is within me. It will not leave me. When will it appear? And in what form? And for whom? I have written many poems, several children's stories, files full of journals - and yet...why? Perhaps C. S. Lewis can help me know why. He seemed so wise and I need someone wise to mentor me. Someone with wisdom and imagination, someone who created beautiful, beautiful stories.

http://www.cslewisinstitute.org

Music

2008-07-31T03:46:00.001-07:00

I love music, and I'm so thankful it exists. What a wonderful miracle it is. It evokes so many responses and it does so very mysteriously. I taught the high school youth in Sunday School on Sunday and the lesson was on heaven - it was a somewhat typical lesson - humorous comments from kids, distracting comments, disjointed comments and I had to keep pulling on the reins to bring the horse back to the path. But, at the end, I closed by simply pushing the button on the CD player and out came "I Can Only Imagine" and the room immediately hushed and the atmosphere changed instantly. It is a beautiful song, isn't it?

I stripped wallpaper yesterday and music was my background - praise songs. I believe music can make any task enjoyable, any location excellent, any gathering special. The author of "Ninety Minutes in Heaven" - (he was dead for 90 minutes and went to heaven but came back to life) - his greatest memory of heaven is the music. He says there are no words to describe the sounds he heard and he longs to hear it again. I can only imagine! Music here is such a gift.

I've been blessed by music all of my life. And I am thankful for it. It is a beautiful gift and it is from the Giver of good gifts. Thank You Daddy!

Praise Song by Charlie Hall

2008-07-29T03:23:00.000-07:00

You’re the center of the universe
Everything was made in You Jesus
Breath of every living thing
Everyone was made for You
You hold everything together
You hold everything together
Christ be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives

We lift our eyes to heaven
We wrap our lives around Your life
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You
***

Paradigm Shift...

2008-07-26T04:53:00.000-07:00

...is the phrase I was trying to remember last post. To know Jesus as the core of my life rather than myself as the core is a huge paradigm shift. Not that it is a new idea, but the actual living out of it is HUGE. At salvation we sing "Come into my heart, come into my heart, come into my heart Lord Jesus. Come in today. Come in to stay. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus." And the promise is - He does. So from day one He is the core. But still - my awareness that He is the core is in question.

How do I reconcile living my life and Jesus being my life? If Jesus is the core, what am I? Is it like an apple core being surrounded by the fruit? I am the fruit if Jesus is the core. Acts 17:27, 28 - God did this (gave man life) so that Kelli would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him Kelli lives and moves and has her being." So, I don't lose me, myself and I, but I do indeed lose me, myself and I IN him. For in him I live and move and have my being. So, I don't cease to exist, but my existence is in Him. And that is a comforting thought.

It is like sliding into a hot bubble bath after a day of strenuous work. Or losing myself in a novel or a movie just to experience a fantastic story that I can't seem to forget. Maybe it is like falling into a hammock on a gentle spring day and swaying in the wind, closing my eyes and feeling the sun on my skin. Or best yet, sitting in my grandfather's lap and snuggling against his neck and being still while he works on a crossword puzzle.

In all these images I am sinking down into, settling down into, disappearing into, connecting down into something or someone that is bigger than me, and better than me. It is moments of existence that are beyond me. And so, if Jesus is the core then I am to sink down into, settle down into, disappear into and connect to the Truth of my presence in His Presence. Can I do this 24/7? Can I be aware of this when I am not still and quiet and typing on the computer in my quiet time? Can I do this when I am in the midst of life as I know it? Can I do this today?

It is a beautiful thought, as all thoughts of Jesus are. And so...I will continue to purse His beauty in my life and my beauty in His life. These writings are prayers and I know He hears my prayers. As I sit on His lap and watch Him work.

Core

2008-07-24T03:56:00.000-07:00

Core is defined as: the central and often foundational part; the inmost or most intimate part; a basic, essential or enduring part.

Brennan stated that the core is Jesus, not self.

From birth I am all about me, self. How can I not be? I am what I am. I am all I am. I exist as I am. And yet God called Himself I AM. So what does that tell me? I might think i am, but really He IS! I breathe, think, feel, act, move - every iota of my existence seems to be about me, me and me. So if Jesus is the core then i am not! If Jesus is the central and foundation, the inmost and most intimate, the basic, essential and enduring part - then where do i fit in?

It is a revelation to imagine allowing Jesus to truly be the core of me. The thought of it is very freeing. I am so burdened down by being me - somehow the image of me being secondary is, well...life altering. It is a shift in thinking - whats the term for that? More later....

Fear vs. Faith

2008-07-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

Perfect love casts out fear. She who fears is not made perfect in love.

How do I receive perfect love when fear is the inner core of my life? How do I exchange one for the other? How do I walk by faith rather than by fear? How do I live out of Who Jesus Is rather than who i am? It all sounds so great, but the living out of it is the hard part, at least for me. Fear paralyzes, faith moves. Fear closes, faith opens. Fear is darkness, faith is light.

"The true self is cowed by timdity. Buoyed up and carried on by a pwer greater than one's own, the true self finds basic security in the awareness of the present risenness of Jesus Christ. Jesus, rather than self, is always the indispensable core of ministry. "Cut off from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5) The moment we acknowledge that we are powerless, we enter into the liberating sphere of the Risen One and we are freed from anxiety over the outcome." Brennan Manning

What does it really mean to acknowledge that I am powerless?

Romania

2008-07-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

When I let my kids go to Romania, it was scary. I hadn't felt that level of anxiety in years and I realized it was the lack of mama control I had. I'm rather used to Joe being gone now that he's had two years at Slippery Rock, but to have Haley gone as well added a new dimension to my momness. Or lack thereof. To imagine both of my kids flying over the ocean and existing on another continent...I couldn't see them, facebook them, hear them, help them...they were completely out of my control. And I know that it was just another step in letting go and beginning to more fully embrace the 'empty nest syndrome'. They shared about their experiences in church yesterday and overall this trip was a tremendous blessing for both of them. Twenty children asked Jesus into their hearts and Joe and Haley learned first hand what it means to give of themselves completely.

When Jesus gets into a heart, He whispers ideas and thoughts into a person's existence that wouldn't normally have been whispered there. Who would have imagined that Joe and Haley would spend two weeks in Romania? Who would imagine that I would ever live in Williamsport, Pennsylvania? Who would imagine that I would live so far from my mom and dad? Who would imagine that maybe my kids will be called to some land far, far away from me? Who would imagine? Scriptures says that no eye has seen, no ear has heard what God has prepared for those who love Him. What will He whisper next? Each of us hear a different whisper, different directions, different dreams, but yet the whisper comes wrapped in the same Love and Hope and Purpose. So, here's to more Romanias for Joe and Haley! And here's to more whispers of Love from our Beautiful Savior who has plans full of the unimaginable in store for each of us. Am I listening?

My Movie

2008-07-20T04:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Kenton, Joe and Sarah jumped out of a plane at 10,000 feet. I watched Joe and Kenton's video and it was magically wonderful, and seeing it on video alone was thrill enough for me. It can be seen in slow motion with Jack Johnson singing in the background. It makes me smile. I'm glad they were able to have that moment in time. And they can relive it whenever they want by just plopping the DVD into the player.

I think often about my life and how it could be a movie - it is a story, just like everyone's life is a story. We could each have our own movie. There are moments that are worthy of being on the big screen. Snapshots that could be frozen in time to be watched again and again and again. Emotions that leave us breathless, and decisions that might be lifechanging for the good or for the bad. Villians and angels...friendships and family...conflict and peace. And for the mistakes we make?Well, there is always redemption when we have Jesus in our lives.

I might not win any Oscars for my particular story, but it could be darn exciting really. Think about it...growing up with 2 brothers and our varied adventures...having a bike wreck and knocking out my teeth...almost drowning 3 times...grandad...Brenda...living in the Georgian apartments...Joe Allred...Jim Arnold...Russell Dirks...Kenton...living in Louisville, such fun - and along came Josey...then off to the north and along came Halesy...Cracker Jack...friends here and all of our adventures...the good, the bad, and the ugly....serving Christ - what a ride...

Would the beauty of Christ shine through in my movie? I honestly don't know. I would hope. But today is a new day and another scene in my movie will roll across the big screen. Though most of the time I feel invisible...I know I am not. I serve the God who sees me. He loves me and He has picked out the perfect role for me. And He will make sure that when all is said and done and when the credits roll, He will be listed as the Producer and the Director and any awards will go to Him. And any critics who can't appreciate my movie will just have to deal with the Big Guy.

Childlike

2008-07-18T02:57:00.000-07:00

Today I repeat yesterday's song.

Jesus loves me, this I know! For the bible tells me so! Little ones to Him belong, they are weak...but He is strong! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me! Yes, Jesus loves me...the bible tells me so.

Perfect Love...

2008-07-17T03:44:00.000-07:00

casts out fear. "In love there can be no fear, but fear is driven out by perfect love; because to fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love." 1 John 4:18

I have always been afraid. Even as a child I was afraid to go into the post office and check the mailbox. Why am I such a fear-filled person? My stomach hurts constantly with anxiety. People make me nervous. What will they say? What will they do? What is around the corner? Why is it that some people look with great anticipation as to what is around the corner, but I am more filled with trepidation? Am I like the scripture, expecting punishment?

As I sit here each morning and think about the beauty of Christ, I realize how difficult it is to take it with me all through the day. Here in the quiet I am safe and secure and able to process the wonder of my relationship with Jesus. But the moment daily life ensues...the assurance of Jesus' presence seems to get bumped to the back of the bus. How can I hold onto this pearl of great price all through the day? Practicing the presence of Christ is a 24-7 endeavor. I know the Holy Spirit lives within me and so I must learn to walk in the awareness of His presence - and what is that presence but Perfect Love? And what does Perfect Love do? It casts out fear.

So I come full circle. The antidote to fear is the perfect love of God as shown through Jesus. This I know, but living it out is my daily challenge. From my head to my heart to my body, the love of God must reign. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong. Yes! Jesus loves me. Yes! Jesus loves me! Yes! Jesus loves me! The bible tells me so. Let this be my lifesong.

Generosity

2008-07-16T03:55:00.001-07:00

On my mind today is the generosity of God. I've been encountering that word quite often lately as I've been reading Acts (The Message) and also today in Brennan's devotional. "God's love is not a conditional love; it is an open-hearted, generous self-giving which God offers to men. Those who would carefully limit the operations of God's love...have missed the point." I don't want to miss the point. I want to realize the love of God for myself and for all those I share life with at this time on this beautiful spinning ball. I want to learn to be generous, open-hearted and self giving, too. But it goes against my nature. I am naturally private, closed and fearful. So I join in Brennan with this prayer today. Abba, help me to see people with Your eyes. Remind me that I am forgiven much. Fill me to overflowing with Your Holy Spirit so that I can pour out love to others. Amen.

It reminds me of Rich's song The Love of God. Here are the lyrics:

There's a wideness in God's mercy
I cannot find in my own
And He keeps His fire burning
To melt this heart of stone
Keeps me aching with a yearning
Keeps me glad to have been caught
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God

Now I've seen no band of angels
But I've heard the soldiers' songs
Love hangs over them like a banner
Love within them leads them on
To the battle on the journey
And it's never gonna stop
Ever widening their mercies
And the fury of His love

Oh the love of God
And oh, the love of God
The love of God

Joy and sorrow are this ocean
And in their every ebb and flow
Now the Lord a door has opened
That all Hell could never close
Here I'm tested and made worthy
Tossed about but lifted up
In the reckless raging fury
That they call the love of God.

Not just loved, but liked...

2008-07-15T03:13:00.000-07:00

Today Brennan recalled a story of an Irish uncle who was turning 80 - on his birthday, he and his nephew went down to a lake to watch the sunrise, and suddenly the uncle skipped down the road. When asked why he was so happy, he replied "because my Abba is very fond of me!" To be liked, as well as loved, is a beautiful experience. To have someone in my life who actually likes me - who enjoys being with me - who deliberately chooses to be with me. What a grand thing - it does bring about an emotion well represented by skipping down a road at sunrise! I don't often think of God as Abba, nor of Someone who likes me in this way. But why not? He is always available to me - night or day, here or there, no matter what condition I'm in...He never leaves me or forsakes me. He gave up his life for me. He created me! He gifts me abundantly. He definitely acts like He likes me - like he enjoys being with me - he deliberately chooses to be with me. I read somewhere that He probably hangs our pictures on his refrigerator because He is proud of us, like parents do with their children. Abba - Daddy. Can I sit on your lap? And snuggle in the crook of your neck? Will you remind me today that You are fond of me? I need someone in my life who likes me. Just for me. And if I start to skip, it will be because You are so beautiful, and you make me feel beautiful, too.

Solitude

2008-07-14T03:21:00.000-07:00

I am an introvert, and sometimes that makes life scary - or maybe overwhelming. I need quiet, peace and tranquility to survive the stuff of life. Today Brennan spoke of solitude - being still and knowing that God is God. I am drawn to stillness and aloneness - it is a joy to sit quietly at Jesus' feet and listen for His still small voice. I have always been able to relate to Mary more than Martha. I do long for the abilities of Martha, but I am thankful to have the personality of Mary if it means I am naturally drawn to sit and listen. I compare myself to the Marthas of the world and always come up lacking, but when I am sitting in the Presence of the One who made me this way, the One who knows that I will act this way, the One whose beloved I am...well, then it is alright that I am a Mary. In my spiritual adventure, perhaps the weapon given to me was stillness, and writing. This combination has given me hours of wonder, grace, peace, hope, challenge, intimacy with Someone I cannot see but who I can sense when I am quiet with pen and journal. Sitting here now, I hear the birds singing, see the deer out the kitchen window, feel the breezes, remember I am loved, and gifted, and okay. Sitting here now, I can worship and there is something very beautiful about that. Selah.

Beloved - A Radical Word! A Beautiful Word.

2008-07-12T02:06:00.000-07:00

Today Brennan wrote on being loved by God - being His beloved. "When I draw life and meaning from any other source than my belovedness, I am spiritually dead. When God gets relegated to second place behind any bauble or trinket (or person, I would add), I have swapped the pearl of great price for painted fragments of glass. "Who am I?" asked Thomas Merton, and he responded, "I am one loved by Christ."

Brennan continues..."The God who grabs scalawags and ragamuffins by the scruff of the neck and raises them up to seat them with the princes and princesses of His people. Is this miracle enough for anybody? Or has the thunder of "God loved the world so much" been so muffled by the roar of religous rhetoric that we are deaf to the word that God could have tender feelings for us?

Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.

Authenticity

2008-07-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxwkSqUarow

Even tho I am a princess and a butterfly, I am still always a peasant and a caterpillar - my shadow self coexists with my new self. The sooner I accept and embrace my "authentic self" the better off I'll be. B. Manning says "When we accept the truth of what we really are and surrender it to Jesus Christ, we are enveloped in peace, whether or not we feel ourselve to be in peace." Jesus is the only one who really knows me - my authentic self. I cannot hide from Him. I cannot wear a mask. I cannot play a game. I cannot lie. I cannot pretend. I cannot act. I can only realize that I stand before Him authentic and bare. He knows my thoughts before I think them, He knows which way I will move before I move. He created me - He knows me past, present and future. He knows my worst moment and my finest moment. And still....He loves me. It is a beautiful thing to be totally known, to be totally accepted and to be totally loved. It is a beautiful thing to have a friend and soul mate like Jesus. And He is available to each of us in that capacity. Now how beautiful is that?

Chrysalis

2008-07-09T03:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjIlaGpCfOw

This morning I was reading Brennan Manning's The Rabbi's Heartbeat and I was reminded of the fact that I am Jesus' beloved. Yesterday's reading was on the fact that I am safe in Jesus. So, I am safe and beloved in my relationship with Jesus. In the mornings when He meets me at the end of my couch, all is quiet and it is good to sit in His presence and rest in His love. I think about being a caterpiller in a chrysalis - resting, tightly bound, protected, held still by a strength and power beyond me. In the quiet silence and stillness a metamorphis occurs, a becoming. And what emerges is BEAUTIFUL - a new creation. "If any man be in Jesus, a new creation has begun - for the moment we look to the Savior, we pass from death unto life." Not only am I a princess on the way to my throne, I am also a caterpillar becoming a beautiful butterfly. My job is to rest in His love and safety. He who began a good work in me, will be faithful to complete it. And that is beautiful.

I am a Princess on the way to my throne...

2008-07-08T03:30:00.000-07:00

There is a song that plays during the credits of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, and the words that caught my ear were "I am a princess on the way to my throne." One of the beautiful things about Jesus and His good news is the hope He gives! This movie and song reminded me of what hope I have in Jesus. I am not simply Kelli, I am a princess. On the day of my salvation, Jesus put a crown on my head, gave me a weapon appropriate for me, and started me off on my adventure as a princess in His Kingdom. I'm on a journey, on the way to my throne. I am learning, growing, fighting, failing, fearing, hoping, dreaming, remembering, worshipping, wondering, finding redemption...just like Lucy, Susan, Edmund and Peter. All because of Jesus. All because God loves me and wants more for me than I can ever hope or imagine. He has lead me through the wardrobe into a land full of wonder and hope. As Aslan represents, He gave up His life for me, and then conquered death. He is alive, and I am invited to fellowship with Him, to hug his neck, yes even to ride upon His back in freedom and joy. So, thanks to C.S. Lewis for a magical story full of reminders of God's beautiful hope. And thanks to Alanis Morisette, who wrote the song. It is called Wunderkind.

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T04:13:00.000-08:00

Happyness is realizing that the year has been a good one! Happyness is also looking forward to the next year...as I move from 2007 to 2008 I also want to transition this blog from a pursuit of happyness to a pursuit of worship. In 2008 I will record those moments of worship - the ones where I get just a glimpse of God and am swept away by His glory and grace. I cannot wait! Happy New Year to me!

Creating...

2007-12-10T03:30:00.000-08:00

I made a simple chocolate cake with chocolate icing and then dropped red, white and green sprinkles all over the top. I realized in those few seconds that the sprinkles were making me happy. And I thought that God is so good to allow us to share in the act of creating - whether it is a piece of art, a sprinkled cake, or a child - aren't we blessed? Sprinkles led to worship, and there is no finer happyness than that. Selah.

Autumn

2007-11-07T03:09:00.000-08:00

Autumn makes me happy. First the delight of cooler, crisper air and then the fantastic array of colored leaves clapping on the trees, dancing in the breeze, landing at my feet. The orangey-red leaves are my favorites. And then when the leaves are gone, the evergreens show off. They are so tall and majestic around my house. They take my breath away. "There's so much beauty around us for just two eyes to see...everywhere I go, I'm looking." Selah, Rich! Thank You, Abba! Your creation brings me happyness.

I'm a mom again!

2007-10-25T03:34:00.001-07:00

Yes, I've adopted a child through Compassion International and it makes me verra happy!! Her name is Mulu - she is 17 and lives in Ethiopia. She loves volleyball and singing. :) Thank you God, for Mitch McVicker who sang at our church last night and gave me the opportunity to do the one thing that really counts - "faith expressing itself through love." Welcome to our family Mulu - I hope we bring you happyness!

Remembering Rich...

2007-09-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

is not a particularly happy activitiy - since Rich died 10 years ago yesterday. But, on the other hand, Rich's legacy in my life does bring me much happyness. I listened to his music yesterday while treadmilling and it still has such power in my spirit and my soul. The conviction in his voice and the honesty of his words challenge and inspire me, no matter how many times I've heard them. My life would be far less fulfilled if not for the Rich-man's music, so here's to you Rich, for being such a willing instrument of Abba - and here's to You, Abba, for creating such a unique, glory giving child. No wonder You took him to heaven so soon. Happyness is Rich Mullins.

Treadmilling

2007-09-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

Happyness is having my very own treadmill and actually using it faithfully! I feel so much better physically, mentally, and spiritually since the Bowers gifted me with their treadmill. I listen to spiritual tapes while walking and it is a great way to spend time in the Word, while being a good steward of the temple of the Holy Spirit. I love treadmilling! Is that a word? Well, it is now!

Time flies...

2007-09-07T03:39:00.000-07:00

when you don't have DSL anymore! I haven't posted in a few months; we no longer have DSL, so the computer is verra slow! I did, however, have a happy summer despite no blogging. Joe was home and Haley was home from school and the summer passed quickly and peacefully. I was able to go home to mom and dad's for 10 days, and also saw Randy and family and Rick, too, which made me verra happy! So, happyness if family!! In the summer!

Baby Birds

2007-06-12T02:45:00.000-07:00

Happyness is finding a bird's nest in the rhodedendrum bush in front of my house and discovering there are two baby birds there. They are so cute, but ugly! Though they are new born, they seem close to death - barely able to breathe and with big beaks open and waiting for worms. There is another nest up in the corner of our front porch. Momma bird only leaves when we come out the front door. She stays nearby perched on a wire, watching. Haley found two eggs there as well. Soon we will hear the tiny chirps of two more newborns. What a blessing to be a home for these sweet creations.

Haven on the Hill

2007-05-31T03:22:00.000-07:00

Our house has always been a "haven on the hill" for me. Even though it has been an old, decrepit farm house, its setting on the hill next to the woods has been a restful escape, especially in the early mornings when all is quiet except for the birds and an occassional passing vehicle. The past three weeks our homestead has been getting a face lift - soon the siding will be finished and a new front door, windows, gutters and shutters will be in place. It makes me happy to see a new look on an old friend. It is now a "shining haven on the hill" - nice and bright and white.

Brothers Keeper

2007-05-29T03:37:00.000-07:00

Kenton preached a sermon yesterday on sibling relationships, reminding us that we are our 'brothers keepers'. I love my brothers and I want to be their keeper, in the sense that I love them and care for them, even from a distance. I talked to Rick last night and I emailed Randy and will try to stay in closer contact with them both. Even though I am the baby sister, it doesn't mean I can't be their keeper, right? My brothers are treasures and thinking of them this morning makes me happy.

"Everywhere I go...

2007-04-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

...I'm looking." This is a lyric from a Rich Mullins song. I have identified with it as long as I've worshipped to Rich Mullins' songs. Happyness is walking in the sunshine, seeing all the beauty around me - "there's so much beauty around me, for just two eyes to see...everywhere I go, I'm looking." Spring has finally sprung here in Williamsport, and my walks have begun again. Hearing the birds, seeing a blue sky, watching the buds open on the trees...laughing at the antics of the squirrels. One can't help but smile. And smiles are a reflection of happyness.

Jerico's Adoption

2007-03-31T03:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the official court adoption of Jerico Norman Carr. After years of waiting and hoping and dreaming and praying, Jerico is finally really Fawn and Noel's. They pursued happyness and found it! I am happy for them all. Jerico is one blessed little boy.

One Thing...No, Two!

2007-03-09T02:17:00.000-08:00

One thing that makes me happy is getting my annual pap smear over with. I finally did that last week and that is a relief. The second thing that has made me happy this week is planning a trip to Va in April and searching the internet for a cabin to rent while we are there. Such fun!

No Sweets

2007-03-01T02:32:00.000-08:00

Happyness comes from giving up sweets for Lent, trying to identify with Jesus in resisting temptation. Of course, there is no comparison to what He gave up, but at least a small sacrifice sheds a little light on the condition of my soul. Its been a week with no sweets and a week of sweet journalling with Jesus every morning. Happpyness is time with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, my Shepherd. His grace and mercy and faithfulness are unfathomable. But what I can fathom makes me happy.

February 24

2007-02-26T02:39:00.000-08:00

Joe turned 19 on February 24! Joe has made me happy from day one and continues to impress with his maturity, thoughtfulness and spiritual convictions. He was home for his birthday, went to Ski Sawmill with Sarah Horton and Dan-O, was gifted with a new sport coat from The Clothier, and was able to worship with us on Sunday. Having Joe as a son brings happyness, and having Haley as a daughter makes double happyness. I am BLESSED!

Olivia

2007-02-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

February 19 was the birth date of the newest member of our family - Olivia Grace Hawbaker. April had a c-section yesterday morning and now Carly has a new baby sister. All is well and that makes Aunt Kelli happy.

Snowstorm!

2007-02-21T02:34:00.000-08:00

Happyness is 8 inches of snow after an entire day of nonstop falling snowflakes. It was beautiful and we all stayed home and had a spontaneous day off! The storm started on Tuesday, Feb. 13 and lasted until the end of Wednesday, Feb. 14. Happy Valentines Day!!!

Blueberry Pancakes and Joe

2007-02-11T03:13:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning Kenton, Haley and I drove to Restless Oaks Restaurant and met Joe, Sarah, and Buddy for breakfast. That was fun! Joe will be home in two weeks for his birthday. Happyness is seeing Joe and eating blueberry pancakes with bacon.

Cracker Jack

2007-02-11T03:06:00.000-08:00

Its been a week since I posted, not a happy week. Cracker Jack's heart congestion finally reached complete failure and so on Wednesday we had to put him down. My chest and head and heart and entire body hurt the entire day because it was so hard to say goodbye. So in my pursuit of happyness, where did I find it this week? In memories of tiny dog feet clicking on the kitchen floor, the way he would cuddle in so tight and lick my face, blowdrying his hair in the morning "oh that feels so good!", those sweet sweet eyes, jumping up for treats, streaking across the backyard with the wind beneath his wings, and just everything about Cracker Jack spelled HAPPYNESS. Our home is empty without him and it is a major adjustment.

Old Friend...

2007-02-03T03:11:00.000-08:00

Happyness is starting February with an email from my best friend growing up, well one of them anyway (I had three - Paula, Karo, and Jim). Karo sent out an update to her email address so now we are in communication again. "Make new friends, but keep the old - one is silver and the other gold."

End is a Beginning

2007-01-31T03:40:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to look back over January and see that at the end of it, I've had a happy month. Tomorrow will begin February, and what happyness will it bring? It is exciting to anticipate more happyness.

Gal Pals

2007-01-31T03:35:00.000-08:00

What would I do without my seagals? They bring me happyness in many different ways - we share laughter, fun, gossip, secrets, tears, faith, fear and hope. We go to the beach, to the movies, out to eat, to church functions, to each other's homes. We pray together and dream together, and are growing old together. We share our children and laugh at our husbands. We vent and we cuss when necessary, and eat chocolate, ice cream and crunch and munch when necessary. My gal pals make me happy.

Feeling Good

2007-01-24T03:26:00.000-08:00

Having rheumatoid arthritis makes every day a question mark. Will I hurt today? Will I feel tired? Will I "just not feel right"? Will I be able to walk normally? When a day rolls around and I can say "I almost feel normal today!" then that is a GREAT day and a day to be happy, happy, happy. Yesterday was such a day and so yesterday was happy, happy, happy!

Groceries

2007-01-22T03:12:00.000-08:00

I normally totally dislike going to the grocery store - it is a chore that must be done but normally holds no enjoyment for me. I do have to say, however, that when Joe was home he went along with me and that was an hour of happyness. He pushed the cart and made it an all around good time - loaded the groceries and helped me carry them into the house. I'm not sure why he went, but it made me feel loved, and now when I go the grocery store I smile with the memory of it. So, now I can associate happy with groceries!

Cooking

2007-01-19T02:12:00.000-08:00

Happyness is coming in the door after work and finding Haley and her gal pals sitting around studying. Their laughter and youth is wonderful to have in the house. Of course, the unexpected company leaves me in a quandary as to what to fix for supper, and will I have enough food? Happyness comes when I find that I have fed them all and they, too, are happy.

Rest

2007-01-16T04:26:00.000-08:00

I have been sick with a head and chest cold, so Saturday am I went back to bed and slept from 9:00am - 1:00pm. Sunday I stayed in bed and slept from 8:00am - 12:00pm, and again from 2:00pm to 4:00pm. Happyness is being able to stay in bed, and just REST. Especially when you have rheumatoid arthritis.

Pizza and Mel

2007-01-13T03:12:00.000-08:00

Two more things that made me happy yesterday were eating white pizza with spinach made at Joe's Pizza, and watching Mel Gibson in Signs. I don't think a person can go wrong with that combination, pizza and Mel.

Cleaning Out

2007-01-13T03:05:00.000-08:00

I love throwing out the old and making room. Simplifying is a dream of mine. Losing clutter leaves free areas which free my mind and soul, which leads to happyness. When the dining room table is clear it is sweet. Yesterday Joe and I went through his clothes and loaded up three garbage bags full which have now gone out the door into someone else's life. Perhaps today I will go through my drawers, and Haley's, and find more happyness.

Blood

2007-01-12T02:58:00.000-08:00

Today Val and I went to give blood. I was happy that I was successful - in November when I tried I was so slow I couldn't give enough. Also, I came home and found Haley and Becca here studying, and Joe working on his bible study. Double the happy. And when I said I needed to go to the grocery store, Joe went along. Triple happiness. Then we all ate pork and kraut, potatoes and green beans, quadruple happy. And then I stayed home for the night. Quince happy day!

The Office

2007-01-11T03:26:00.000-08:00

I rent past episodes of The Office from Netflix, and I have to say watching these shows makes me happy. Laugh out loud funny!

Snow

2007-01-10T04:15:00.000-08:00

I looked out the window this morning and surprise, there is a delicate coating of snow on the ground. It is so soft, white and pristine looking, unmarred yet and smooth. I love the freshness of the snow when it first falls. Happyness is a surprise snowfall.

Pain

2007-01-09T03:11:00.000-08:00

Being in pain does not elicit happyness. Yesterday I hurt all over for most of the day, and moved my appt. up with Nancy Lemoi. My meds are no longer working, and in order for me to pursue happyness, my meds must work! I've been hurting now for over a month and enough is enough. Life goes on, with our without pain. Can I pursue happyness in spite of my pain? I guess I will have to try. Overall Monday's blank page was not filled with happyness. Maybe Tuesday will improve.

Reading

2007-01-08T03:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday boredom began setting in so I went to the library and borrowed two novels. With a book in hand, one is never bored! Sunday is the day of rest, and that is what I did, read and rested. With my arthritis I find I need more and more rest, so maybe part of pursuing happyness this year must involve making every Sunday a day of rest. I'm reading The Shell Seekers by Rosamund Pilcher and a quick read by Nora Roberts. Nora Roberts is a little racy, but she is a nice escape, plus this one is set in Maine. Maine makes me happy.

Promised Land

2007-01-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

Today at Yayas we listened to Kathy V. and encouraged her. I pray for this year to be a happy new year, and that at the end of this year we can look back and see how her life has improved. 40 years of wandering in the wilderness is long enough - it is time to move on into the PROMISED land. You promised, Father, and I am holding You to that promise. We have a blank page of days ahead of us, and let us pursue happyness on each page, not only for Kathy and Dave, but for the rest of us yoyo Yayas as well.

Resolutions

2007-01-06T03:24:00.000-08:00

Every year I naturally am lead to think about resolutions - fresh starts and improvements. Of course, I seldom am able to be successful in the changes. The only year I succeeded was the year I resolved to use my crockpot more. That was a good one! This year I have made a cleaning schedule in hopes of keeping the house in a state of order so that, at any time, if someone 'pops' in I won't feel embarrassed. Also, I guess keeping this blog is a resolution of sorts. The purpose of this particular resolution is just to keep a diary of my life for the fun of it. Filling in the blank pages of my life.

Fun!

2007-01-04T05:58:00.000-08:00

Randy and family pulled out this morning. This family is so full of life and it was fun to be caught up in their whirlwinds of energy. We went for walks in the cemetery, read tombstones, baked a cake, read books, drew pictures, ate, Ethan and Ava built a fort under the dining room table, chatter, chatter, chatter and little feet, hands and tongues being very active all through the house. Now all is quiet again and I return to my hum-drum existence. I like being peaceful, for the most part, but I certainly enjoyed filling up the blank pages of Jan 2 - 3, 2007 with my brother and his family. It was FUN!

Snow

2007-01-01T04:16:00.000-08:00

Today Randy, Carole, Ethan, Will and Ava arrive! They wanted it to snow so badly - two years ago when they were here they built snowmen, rolled snowballs down the backyard until they were giant snowballs, and had snowball fights. I love the backyard immediately after it snows - it is smooth, soft, pure, white, and blank, like a blank page. Untouched and waiting to be written upon. Just like today. Let the magic begin...

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T03:47:00.000-08:00

I have a new calendar for 2007 - it lists 5 things to be happy about on each day. One of the five listed on Jan. 1 is "blank pages ready to be written upon" (or something to that effect). To me, the first page of a new journal is truly a form of simple happiness. It is new, hopeful, and fun. It is magical too, in the sense that you don't know what will appear on that page, until you begin. So voila! Let the magic begin...